errrr (Sunday, January 24, 2010 / 3:54 PM)
I don't care with my grammar right now, i just want to open up into something really personal. I wont dedicate this entry to anybody, not harry nor mark! che che che! It's for nobody. The truth fucking hurts, you know why? look at all the people with their heads down with their hands, when everything i'm feeling makes it hard to understand, that, uh! what i need to miss? it's what i need to miss is you. I'm not telling that i am now a thorn between two lovers, i am now effing confuse with what i actually feel. I was so broken hearted then thinking that i couldn't see another guy. well of course, a lot of guys are in line.. not for me i guess. they will never be mine. The worse part here is that, i dont give chances to anybody cause i was totally locked and locked with his memories. I thought we'll be okey someday, i thought we'll gonna start over again. 2012 is still far for me to think that it's the end of my world yet twenty-ten is already teaching me suicide. i don't wanna be EMO, perhaps it's in my bloodline already. There is no point anymore, so many crimson tears, death has called out to me, but I hide away these feelings so no one worries about me. But on the inside, who am I? The dark is so tempting, but the fear runs deep, and so do the scars...Don't worry about me, I'm never too far away from the blade that helps me cope, with the broken feelings. How can you live when life is worse than death? So just hold me, and I promise to hold you back. On my arms, the scars wrapped around you, to hold you close to my once beating heart, but now let it beat for you and only you. It may not be much, but I promise, I'd give my life for you, and I'll always love you, even when the blade takes my life... I'll always love you... but to whom i'd like to dedicate this??? to my past perhaps. but who cares????? he dont give a damn care for me! i bought a blade earings to cut my ears by wearing it, i acted like a real asshole. My inner innocence is weak, Do you know what is weaker? It's my strength to survive this burning and devouring of my heart, this so called "heartbreak." It's true when people say that love lasts until you die, Either you love each other until the end, Or when one person gives up, The other is left to die ... On the inside. i open my heart to somebody else, it's not that i'm using him to forget my past, it's not that i pretend myself to love him back to let my past realize "regret". is it? or it's not? am i too insane about love? should i try to confine myself? i'm so mentally and emotionally retarded. I do like this new guy but i still love the old guy. what should i do? granny has no plan to talked to me, maybe he dont wanna see me officially leaving him or that's too optimistic? or maybe.. he still love me but he has no other choice but to leave me rather than spending my time to him who doesn't exert any effort then. what's up with you??? you can freely advise me. please? i know i must let go of my past and love my present. But there is this big issue about my new year's present. Markii, broke up with his ex two days before he courted me, eight days before i answered him. "ka.cheapan!!" i should have been into my pa-hard to get thing. i was like, uh uh!! i must be happy now so be hurry before harry hurry hurry! tsk.. i dont know why i still exist into this mother fucking world. if only i can be a PLAYER for a day, i'll make lust every second of that day for me to be satisfied.. my conscience is killing me and thats the point of this entry. urggggh!!! forget the past na lage!!! new hair, is new life right??? yeah!
Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know how
to replenish its source. It dies of
blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds; it dies
of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.
im sorry my past.. but i gotta love my present. thank you for making me feel worthless!
steph