HARRY CHRISS QUISEO

i met him through friendster and we had a little chitchat til' such time we became bestfriends. "buddy" was our callsign, though we dont communicate very often, friendster was still there for us to be connected. Starting a new life, we met again, chitchat again and again, that was around January to February this year.February 04, 2009: i gave him my invitation for my debut party.. February 06, 2009, he courted me, so sudden we became lovers. Just as i suspected, it was totally different from my past. First boyfriend in personal, first date, first in everything! I didn't felt any sadness until such time he became less active to see me. Pessimistic thoughts ruled!! I couldn't help myself thinking any negative things about him, on how? why is he doing this to me? The reason will always be, "kuya". What's with his kuya anyway? But sooner and later, i begun to realize things that i should not waste my time thinking negative things. So i inverted myself, back to where i came from. I tried to cheer myself up and live life to the fullest and prove to him that i am happy because he is mentally present to me. The truth sometimes really hurts. ow' most of the time i guess. But i know deep within me, im serious with him. I loved him more than anything else in this world. When he became more anxious about what i feel, he tell me things i could hardly accept. "find someone else! there is much more better than me! you dont have to suffer! im not worthy for your love" words like that?? I know it's easy to say things out of emotion. But that doesn't mean you have to give everything up so easily. For me, I don't usually give things up especially when he means the world to me. I like the feeling of being inlove and i couldn't take seeing myself sad and cry for weeks, for months. I don't eat anymore, i don't study anymore. I can't focus myself instead i'm focusing on how to solve this problems. I go to church alone, asking for forgiveness and help, i eat alone, strolling alone, walk alone. alone and alone perhaps people could notice me like that. There are friends who tried to comfort me and give some advices. i tried to regain my inner happiness., i laugh! i gave my self some fun and enjoyed with my barkada. i've been a bad girl for quite a while. then realization strikes: "bad! he won't be happy if he'll know you're doing this to yourself!" and then i stopped. I left my barkada hanging and told them i'm not worthy to be one of them. I was surprisingly very happy when my boyfriend told me to wait for him... I will wait forever! because i love him so much! i just can't explain my feelings to him because we haven't seen each other for a while. I know, God knows everything that im innocent. that i only did what i have to do: TO WAIT. now? he left me for my mistake. my stupid mistake!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna die but my future instict is bugging me around. "if you commit suicide, how about your future? your dream? your career? your family? harry?" i wanna confine myself to the hospital to let him visit me! so that he'll gonna see me and talk to me! to let him understand everything. i have many things to talk about. back to chitchatting, back to the feeling of first love. now, im no longer waiting, im hoping for him to understand that he's everything to me. That I couldn't live without him. I just need some time to express my feeling. I wanna cry this out loud! But I can't. I keep pretending. i may look happy but deep inside, i love harry more than myself.

im sorry for everything i did, but im sure enough! i didn't mean to hurt you. hope you'll be back soon.